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10/24/2018

Android and Anti-humanoid

I had the unfortunate business of also being born into a body that doesn’t suit me. While I will never understand what it means to be marginalized by society, having been born a cis, white, heterosexual male with a reasonable amount of wealth and privilege (though my upbringing was closer to lower than middle class), I do have some small understanding of what it means to be seen as something you’re not.

My inner life is one of poetic meandering and yearning for connection beyond the mundane. I rarely encounter it, of course, as is to be expected, and it is rarer still now that I eschew socialization at all costs.

Lately, I have been thinking loudly at others, “You have not earned my eyes.” What I mean by that is the anti-social, Autism-spectral behavior I exhibit demonstrates not my inability to be engaged or charming, but rather my unwillingness. Why should I grant someone access to that human connection, when they will never (and possibly can never) do the same for me?

I know it contributes to the ruination of my soul, this self-induced exile, but my sense of justice, if not integrity, demands it. In more cases that I care to name, people disappoint me even in the display of simple empathy. I imagine that I, too, and self-centered to the point of dehumanization. Still, at least I pretend to care. I make sacrifices for the benefit of others, and try not to take from anyone unless they offer freely and would gain some small joy from the giving.

Maybe I am as delusional as everyone else. In which case, does it not follow that I should put the walls up even higher and live a hermit? Take only the most meager of resources for myself while I await the day when I will take none at all and can return my chemical composition to some other, possibly more deserving life form?

I really don’t know how to live in a world that doesn’t want me. It seems selfish to live at all in that regard. I haven’t seen love in so long, I no longer know how to give anything.

“You haven’t earned my eyes.” What an innovative way to be aloof and condescending. Maybe I am exactly what people see.

Filed under: Ennui | | Comments Off on Android and Anti-humanoid

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