He said, “Try not to think of your theatre career as your identity.”<\/p>\n
He said, “I’m not telling you to give it up, but make a conscious split.”<\/p>\n
One show closed. Another opened and one was still running. The calls kept coming and the websites \u00e2\u20ac\u201d the paid work, the valued work, the work of concrete value \u00e2\u20ac\u201d fell even further behind schedule.<\/p>\n
In a few months, all of this will have passed. I have deliberately extricated myself. In atonement, I have isolated myself.<\/p>\n
In this state of trying to be less involved, I have to decide now, in this moment or the very next, my future for the next three years. Either I finish my application in January for my “terminal degree,” \u00e2\u20ac\u201d and isn’t that an apt phrase? \u00e2\u20ac\u201d or I wait for the next go-round in three years. Then, I will be 41. With my life less ahead of me than behind me, I start on a career of physical training. I consider myself a punctual person, but I arrived late to this understanding. In this moment, when I want to give up theatre entirely and crawl into a hole because I have nothing else to excite me, I have to choose.<\/p>\n
Two young people are coming, ill-advisedly, to my home city. They’re newer to this craft than I am, but who gives a shit? I’ve spent ten years trying to convince people of its worth; why wouldn’t those same people hire the young hotshots for cheap over the tired, bitter curmudgeon who “overcharges?” I would, in their situation.<\/p>\n
I am not someone who wants to hold anyone back. I loathe competition because it favors those without compassion. You must not care for your opponent if you want to win. Should art be about winning? No. In a capitalist society, however, it’s not immune.<\/p>\n
I will give up. It is not only easier, it is the right thing to do. I am not so gifted that the world needs my art. My passion has waned, but there are many for whom the spark still burns hot. I am not so important that my absence will leave a dent. Those that understand know I am a fraud, those that give me praise do not understand.<\/p>\n
Where does that leave me? On the couch, pressing buttons. In a chair, pressing keys. Waiting for my heart to stop, because it gave up long ago.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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