And when you can’t write, let others do it for you.<\/p>\n
I’m sitting here, compulsively checking facebook, waiting for any one person to give me any validation, ignoring the “likes” I hate and the posts that probably mean the most.<\/p>\n
I have fully committed to an avoidant personality. In trying to make myself whole alone, however, I am bored. Without something to complain about, I should have\u00c2\u00a0time to sit and enjoy my pastimes… any of them. Video games – bored by what is offered, not intrigued by what I could go out and purchase. Books – too still. Working out – I don’t want to commit to it; I’ve never worked out for health, always for aesthetic, and I cannot see the point when I am not single, and no longer interested in being on stage. Writing -\u00c2\u00a0I hate my own work, and others are indifferent to it.<\/p>\n
So, instead,\u00c2\u00a0I stare at different screens and wait for my body to be tired enough to sleep. I read others’ words, pretend they’re my own, lament that I have nothing unique to offer anyone, chastise myself for being so predictably boring in my mental illness. You can’t even fight it. Not really. Winning buys you a half-happiness at best. Losing at least makes you feel something, even if it is despair.<\/p>\n
\nChoose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)<\/span><\/p>\n
I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.<\/span><\/p>\n
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.<\/span><\/p>\n
Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.<\/span><\/p>\n
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.<\/span><\/p>\n
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.<\/span><\/p>\n
Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 much \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 more.<\/span><\/p>\n
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace \u00e2\u20ac\u201c or even see \u00e2\u20ac\u201c what was so wildly wonderful about her.<\/span><\/p>\n
I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 which still made me choose her even less.<\/span><\/p>\n
Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.<\/span><\/p>\n
She fought hard to make me choose her. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a fool\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s task. You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.<\/span><\/p>\n
To be fair, she didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.<\/span><\/p>\n
I realise now, however, that she was often angry because she didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.<\/span><\/p>\n
Actually, I did abandon her.<\/span><\/p>\n
By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.<\/span><\/p>\n
Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n
I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll never not choose another woman I love again.<\/span><\/p>\n
It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s torture for everyone.<\/span><\/p>\n
If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in a relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:<\/span><\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why am I choosing my partner today?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/span><\/p>\n
If you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s truth, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I just do.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/span><\/p>\n
If you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.<\/span><\/p>\n
But if too many days go by and you just can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t connect with why you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.<\/span><\/p>\n
Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.<\/span><\/p>\n
You do, too.<\/span><\/p>\n
Choose wisely. \u00e0\u00a5\u0090<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u201d Brian Reeves<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
And when you can’t write, let others do it for you. I’m sitting here, compulsively checking facebook, waiting for any one person to give me any validation, ignoring the “likes” I hate and the posts that probably mean the most. I have fully committed to an avoidant personality. 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They are kind to me and listened as I talked about what amounts so heavily to White People Problems. I have many friends who I feel have to do this. When did I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":550,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=550","url_meta":{"origin":2729,"position":1},"title":"What a mindjob.","date":"5\/3\/2006","format":false,"excerpt":"First of all, the line is \"...how deep the rabbit hole goes,\" which seems more fitting for the advertisement, so why not use it? Second, even with the corrrect line, that sounds like it might be unpleasant. And judging from the somewhat bored expression on the woman's face... well, that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/img.youtube.com\/vi\/\/0.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":418,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=418","url_meta":{"origin":2729,"position":2},"title":"Caltrop*","date":"11\/8\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Caltrop: Time to cut all my ties Time to shed light on the lies Time to leave this town behind Freedom; it's not freedom Shouldn't freedom feel more liberating? Principles never make for happy days and it it pride or is it justice or just stupidity? Am I weak-willed or\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2721,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2721","url_meta":{"origin":2729,"position":3},"title":"At last, some honesty about how people really see this thing","date":"11\/4\/2015","format":false,"excerpt":"I can't stand THE DEPRESSED. It's like a job, it's the only thing they work hard at. Oh good my depression is very well today. Oh good, today I have another mysterious symptom, and I will have another one tomorrow. 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I don't care about the new Fallout game or the new anything game for that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":897,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=897","url_meta":{"origin":2729,"position":5},"title":"Cracked writes something of substance… world in deeper peril than previously imagined, read the headline that morning.","date":"11\/12\/2008","format":false,"excerpt":"I wanted to try a really long headline. Like my resume site, ChristopherElst.com, this site will be getting an overhaul shortly, both in design and usage. 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