Video games are a bit of a double-edged sword for me. I strongly advocate their presence in the arts, as they can represent the finest in agency-driven art. One’s\u00c2\u00a0necessary presence in a well-written, well-made video game inspires a type of catharsis akin to the best in theatre. In a world increasingly isolated, video games are not simple escapism; they transcend the borders we build for ourselves and increase communication of truths. In short, they are a new language.<\/p>\n
For me, they do still stand in for better connections with people, however. An example: I saw a marvelous show last night,\u00c2\u00a0The Story of My Life<\/em>, put on by Milwaukee Opera Theatre. If you asked people who have known me for a long time whether I am comfortable in a crowd, they would affirm that in a heartbeat. Since I have spent all of my free time in the theatre, however, I have developed an acute social anxiety. I feel like my reputation and, thus, my self-image are constantly at stake when discussing anything in a public setting. Perhaps that is the lesson we as humans are to learn from the internet, and facebook in particular. I am afraid to post any of my opinions on facebook, not because I fear having someone persuade me to change them, but because I fear people will write me off without attempting any such engagement.<\/p>\n In fact, I have difficulty engaging with anyone on any subject in public now for much the same reason. We are so quick to rush to judgment without learning more about why a person feels the way they do. I am certainly guilty of it, though I’d like to think less so than the average soul.<\/p>\n Video games sometimes make me act like someone I am not, or at least, hope not to be. When I get furious with a game, I always take stock and wonder why. What a silly thing, to find yourself angry at an inanimate object. In making attempts to learn more about myself in those moments, I have learned that I have placed too much value on whether I succeed in the game. This, however, comes from a place of feeling judged externally, as though somehow Marcee \u00e2\u20ac\u201d or someone else, but Marcee is most commonly present \u00e2\u20ac\u201d will think less of me if I have not mastered killing a pixelated zombie. Or, perhaps, that if I’m going to use my time for something so frivolous that I should at least move toward mastery of that thing.<\/p>\n I have even avoided playing with my friends on games for that same reason: I don’t want to let them down. Combine that fear with a demanding schedule, and my connections with friends dwindle to a dying ember. Certainly, that blame lies with me. I try not to feel shame about it, as that will only allow the simple solution to slip further away.<\/p>\n Enter the video game Dark Souls. It’s a single-player game with multi-player options. The game renowns itself on its punishing difficulty, pushing a player to learn its rules under fire, which makes victory all the sweeter. In my need for a challenge, I have picked it up several times, enchanted by its moody atmosphere and its rich environment of discovery and hypertension. For whatever reason, I accept when this game defeats me, and I don’t hide behind my usual excuse of “fighting the interface instead of playing the game.” I exult in victories and defeats alike, and laugh when something gets the better of me. I actually laugh. I can’t always remember what that feels like, to laugh suddenly at myself. To have a gritty swords-and-sorcery game “waste my time” with having to tread the same ground over and over again until I make a breakthrough, and to laugh rather than piss and moan through it? That’s remarkable for me.<\/p>\n I don’t intend this to be a rave review for a game. That’s not what my journal stands for. I do want to clarify, however, how I have started to understand the little things and not delve \u00e2\u20ac\u201d not too deeply, anyway \u00e2\u20ac\u201d for meaning in simple joys. Analyzing joy is how to kill it. Shockingly, it took me this long to comprehend that. I still fight it. As the great Darren Nichols says, “The common man enjoys something, but is incapable of understanding the mechanism by which he comes to enjoy it.” (I’m paraphrasing.) Why have I resisted living as a common man? Is it settling to take breaks? Will my life leave a greater mark if I eschew happiness in favor of the dark dominion of depression? Happiness is a choice, they say, and I write that off as trite and … well, stupid, which is precisely the reason it has eluded me.<\/p>\n If I want to create, why not create happiness? Why not inspire myself, and remove myself from an external search for meaning which I know will never be found? Good questions.<\/p>\n Thankful today for my own discipline: I wrote, I meditated, I exercised, I acted in kindness, I did chores, and I played video games. Now, I will try to make it one step further in Dark Souls before I take on a couple of more tasks on my task list.<\/p>\n If you read this, whoever you may be, thanks for reading this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Video games are a bit of a double-edged sword for me. I strongly advocate their presence in the arts, as they can represent the finest in agency-driven art. One’s\u00c2\u00a0necessary presence in a well-written, well-made video game inspires a type of catharsis akin to the best in theatre. In a world increasingly isolated, video games are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":38,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p73iP8-IV","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2862,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2862","url_meta":{"origin":2785,"position":0},"title":"Your Daily Digest: The Chore of Society","date":"3\/15\/2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I had to stop at the grocery store before I came home, because we needed things like milk. As I lamented the needless contact and meandering fogginess of the people around me, I saw a new friend of whom M and I have become quite fond. We exchanged brief small\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":280,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=280","url_meta":{"origin":2785,"position":1},"title":"I Love You, You’re Perfect…Now Change","date":"3\/16\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Most-Honoured Girlfriend helped me celebrate the passing of years with a trip to Broadway Baby, a dinner theatre North of Milwaukee. My lack of interest in birthday-related celebrations notwithstanding, my belly had its fair share of laughs, after more than its fair share of prime rib. Dinner was tasty enough\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Too Little Too Late Reviews"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2783,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2783","url_meta":{"origin":2785,"position":2},"title":"Your Daily Digest: Still Fighting","date":"12\/11\/2015","format":false,"excerpt":"When I take time off, it means that I get to do only things that make me happy. So, in this three month\u00c2\u00a0hiatus from theatre, I have done the following work, gratefully and happily: Sound design for\u00c2\u00a0Handle with Care at Boulevard Theatre Swing Stage Manager for\u00c2\u00a0Handle with Care Fight director\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2847,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2847","url_meta":{"origin":2785,"position":3},"title":"What you want","date":"3\/9\/2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I'm good at theatre, and I hate it. Does that mean I'm actually bad at theatre? I've spent 20 years of my life learning my craft, and now that I'm capable of creating at a high level all I do is compromise. Compromise does not feel like collaboration. My choices\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1342,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=1342","url_meta":{"origin":2785,"position":4},"title":"Fight shows I’m working on right now","date":"4\/1\/2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Then ZOO STORY, Marquette University MR. MARMALADE, Splinter Group LEND ME A TENOR, Kettle Moraine High School MADAM'S BEEN MURDERED, TEA WILL BE LATE, \u00c2\u00a0West Allis Players ROMEO AND JULIET, Homestead High School Now SKIN TIGHT, Mercury Players PHAEDRA'S LOVE, Luminous Theatre FORTUNA THE TIMEBENDER VS. THE SCHOOLGIRLS OF DOOM,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2828,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2828","url_meta":{"origin":2785,"position":5},"title":"Your Daily Digest: The Happy and Where to Find It","date":"2\/1\/2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Sent the evening in one of my favorite places, The Alchemist Theatre, with some of my favorite people, including my favorite stage manager from A Lady in Waiting. I also caught up with the prominent director of Penelopiad. On top of that, we were proposed a brand new festival for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2785"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/38"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2785"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2785\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2786,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2785\/revisions\/2786"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}