My cousin Matthew is making a video\u00c2\u00a0for my grandmother for Christmas. The concept is that we each spend 30 seconds or so talking about what Christmas means to us. It’s our first year without Grandpa, but I don’t know how many of us want or need a reminder of that. Still, I won’t deny the kindness of the thought for Grandma.<\/p>\n
Lately, I have tried to count my allies, people who support me in times of need. After all, I couldn’t find thirty seconds to record something for Matthew’s video, and my grandmother remains the most influential person in my life. I vacillated each time I began,\u00c2\u00a0tied up in my own misgivings and need to create art instead of sentiment. That attitude serves no one here, but I let it win.<\/p>\n
So, who for me, would spend that thirty seconds? Probably more people than I could count, because I hold too low opinion of the people whom I call friend. Since I can’t forgive my own behavior, I assume they can’t. Many learning videos have popped up around me detailing impostor syndrome and the detrimental effects of social media. I have tried to maintain an awareness of them. I continue to drive myself to exercise and meditate.<\/p>\n
I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams. – Hamlet, II.ii<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
All of my dreams involve my trying to do the best for everyone and finding everyone abandoning me. Leadership comes easily to me, and I enjoy it to some extent, but to have people question me when they simply want attention, I … well, in the dream, I flip tables. I tear my certification in front of them. I know they want me to compete. They want to show me how weak I am because I look out for them and will not fight. If they only knew the violence that I keep inside, the way I want to live differently than what my baser nature would dictate.<\/p>\n
Do I have anyone’s respect? Have I earned it? They say you only need to please yourself, since you can never truly please others, but that way Trumpness lies. Balance? Sure, but internal balance cannot thrive\u00c2\u00a0in a world where man is in every way a social creature. Banish those from you who do not enhance you; but, how then to maintain empathy and to keep yourself from one-sided argument.<\/p>\n
Were I born in a different time, a time of men like Washington, or Da Vinci, or Charlemagne, would I have made myself a tyrant? Did kindness become a rationalizing word for cowardice?<\/p>\n
I would be a Viking, and shout “Fear profit a man nothing!” into the raging storms, but the world convinces me even that lacks honor. How can I find joy when all that I do is under scrutiny, from my wife, from the world, from myself? Embracing punk rebellion is childish, succumbing to authority, moreso. Then what?<\/p>\n
I know it sounds absurd… please tell me who I am.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My cousin Matthew is making a video\u00c2\u00a0for my grandmother for Christmas. The concept is that we each spend 30 seconds or so talking about what Christmas means to us. It’s our first year without Grandpa, but I don’t know how many of us want or need a reminder of that. 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