From circumstance, I made a short appointment with the shrink yesterday and renewed my prescription for my SSRI. Is it irony that understanding how much the chemical imbalance in my brain affects my behavior somehow makes me less existential? That is, when I have my drug, which I know has only the minor effect of dampening the howl of the void within me, I feel more like I’m in control of my own destiny. When really, the bulwark of the drug simply stops the downward slide into the reality that is our meaningless existence and lets me enjoy the banal.<\/p>\n
Stranger and stranger.<\/p>\n
Still, if one must live a self-aware crumb on the unforgiving tabletop of the universe, one might as well enjoy it, no? Struggling against the concept that life only means enjoyment doesn’t change its truth.<\/p>\n
So, I’m enjoying the praise given o me from others today, even if their praise is meant for their own validation. I’m enjoying the sense of freedom that comes from having no appointments, even if I have a million niggling tasks to achieve. I’m enjoying the feeling that comes from anticipation of a great board game or tabletop role-playing experience, even if I know my expectations put such any actual joy beyond the threshold of possibility.<\/p>\n
Much love. Rational, cautious love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From circumstance, I made a short appointment with the shrink yesterday and renewed my prescription for my SSRI. Is it irony that understanding how much the chemical imbalance in my brain affects my behavior somehow makes me less existential? That is, when I have my drug, which I know has only the minor effect of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":38,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p73iP8-Jz","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":469,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=469","url_meta":{"origin":2825,"position":0},"title":"In the tradition of four things…","date":"1\/19\/2006","format":false,"excerpt":"...I bring you seven things. Brendan got it from Sherri, and they told a friend, and they told a friend, etc. Seven things I plan to do before I die: Be paid to pretend to be beat up. See other places than North America. Make my own sword. Write something\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":4,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=4","url_meta":{"origin":2825,"position":1},"title":"one of these days…","date":"4\/22\/2003","format":false,"excerpt":"...I'm gonna stop saying one of these days. Jill Sobule is good. As are Skinny Cow ice creams. I broke a tooth yesterday. I know that to most people this is nothing to write blogs about, but for me it was a fascinating experience. When I was a kid, pulling\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":757,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=757","url_meta":{"origin":2825,"position":2},"title":"Awareness.","date":"6\/11\/2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Last night, I received some RAM I had ordered to speed up my old Frankenstein PC. On Tuesdays, some friends of mine who have been spread out across the country have been playing City of Heroes as an excuse to drink beer and shoot the shit online. My computer has\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2795,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2795","url_meta":{"origin":2825,"position":3},"title":"Your Daily Digest: Geek the Geek","date":"12\/18\/2015","format":false,"excerpt":"I think they should take away my geek card. I don't give a shit about\u00c2\u00a0Hamilton or the new\u00c2\u00a0Star Wars except for their cultural significance (Oh my God! HowEVER did they make hip-hop relevant and accessible?). I don't care about the new Fallout game or the new anything game for that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2561,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2561","url_meta":{"origin":2825,"position":4},"title":"On up and giving it.","date":"12\/8\/2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I guess I'll write more here soon, but I see things that I don't like. I don't like Into the Woods as a movie, and I loathe The Last Five Years trailer. I don't... want these things. So, don't go to them. Don't support them. And I won't. 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