Despite my disappointment in my own discipline at keeping my body in working order, in defiance of my depression’s insistence that doing deepens the darkness, I agreed to work with a couple of my heroes on Thursday. The minds behind some of my favorite internet videos will direct me to be a tough guy. I am trying to stay excited rather than nervous.<\/p>\n
Every once in a while, I read back the things I write here for my own edification. I suppose that is the purpose of a journal and not only self-indulgence. What I note most, however, is how I only feel connected to the things I write that come from my self-loathing. The times when I make the effort to be positive make my ass twitch, to steal a phrase. They seem disingenuous. Perhaps I just have more practice in the dark.<\/p>\n
I remember I once wrote a short piece called “Why I can’t be the bad guy,” for a writing class when I was attending Parkside. It was well-received for its poetic language, but no one really understood what I was driving at. I was in a position then to believe that I had more to learn, but that I had great potential as a writer, if only I would write.<\/p>\n
I have more drive now than ever, commitment to purpose and awareness of the waste that most leisure-time activities create, but now I have none of the feeling of potential or interest that would have kept me in love with my own writing. I want to throw up when writers say their characters won’t talk to each other. I don’t like the way they give rational credence to the daemon. Maybe that is why my own soul’s code is so foreign to me. Arcane, even.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Despite my disappointment in my own discipline at keeping my body in working order, in defiance of my depression’s insistence that doing deepens the darkness, I agreed to work with a couple of my heroes on Thursday. The minds behind some of my favorite internet videos will direct me to be a tough guy. 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I was thinking that instead of having SCUBA equipment and masks and whatnot, there should be a way to use the technology of the hydrolysis battery to power a device that would split the water into its component\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2708,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2708","url_meta":{"origin":2872,"position":4},"title":"On masculine insecurity","date":"10\/27\/2015","format":false,"excerpt":"A compliment requires two sides. It is the proverbial tree in the forest, and simultaneously the scientific answer to that question. There must a producer of the compliment and the receiver of that compliment. I would further postulate that the receiver in this instance must agree to the nature of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":133,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=133","url_meta":{"origin":2872,"position":5},"title":"How to vacation without even trying.","date":"5\/13\/2004","format":false,"excerpt":"People to whom I owe apologies and who will likely never be as close to me as they once were (in no particular order): Don't read 'em*; I'm just purging. * - Well, if you want. 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