Considering my size, I get pushed around a lot. I think I was told early in life that a bully is the worst thing one could be. Or maybe, because I felt bullied by so many people, I found it the worst thing.<\/p>\n
Even when people assert themselves with the acceptance that I might say no, I give in. Almost always. Because, I think to myself, there has got to be a compromise where every person involved gets \u00e2\u20ac\u201d at least, mostly \u00e2\u20ac\u201d what they want. And me? I give the most, the most often.<\/p>\n
I don’t think it seems this way to other people. In my perception of it, perhaps due to my privilege as a white male in America, others see me as always getting my way. In reality, even should I win any such battle, some small part of me dies. What I want is not to succeed, but for everyone to see how much time and effort I have spent making the best option for everyone, even if they didn’t get their first, best choice.<\/p>\n
Hypervigilance, they call my behavior in psych-speak. Sounds about right. I have no assertion. I am the “sensitive 90s guy” that my director makes jokes about. “That guy has feelings, you guys,” she says with an eye-roll. The joke lands, and I do think it’s funny. But it also means that all of my identity, the time I spent going to Lilith Fair and being open-minded about how masculinity should be defined, has been for naught.<\/p>\n
Because I listen and consider and forgive, I am considered too vulnerable to lead. Because I will not assert my size over people, I am perceived as weak. Because I find it poor behavior to needlessly assert my will over another person dishonestly or manipulatively, I am a big softie. Because I display respect and compassion, I am seen as ineffectual or wishy-washy.<\/p>\n
I understand why. No one is doing the same for me. No one is taking into consideration my reputation or my feelings or the work I have done, so how can they possibly empathize? I have fallen once again into a position for which no one will thank me. I am the enemy, the hidden obstacle, rather than the giver and the facilitator. My contributions are forgotten or discredited in favor of more aggressive egos.<\/p>\n
People wonder how I can hate it so much. I do not ask for credit, but none is offered, either. All of this happens around me, rather than with me.<\/p>\n
Is it depressive falsehood, or depressive reality? No way of telling, I suppose.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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The last line of this article (with a somewhat inflammatory title) is fantastic. The Worst Thing about Macs: Apple Rules, or Else. Exponential talks about her experiences.","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":631,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=631","url_meta":{"origin":2888,"position":1},"title":"A couple of stolen links to make your (meaning “my”) day","date":"1\/25\/2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Wii Safety: The Missing Pages - a photoset on Flickr, from Nate Drivl.com | Every Mythbusters Myth ON ONE PAGE, from Metafilter Double Date (might be NSFW), from Headless Hollow (ads are funny on this site, as well.) And the WORST thing I've seen in months... 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Still, I could not ignore this snippet of joy; William Gibson has a blog that he updates when he's not writing the occasional stellar\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Link Larceny"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2729,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2729","url_meta":{"origin":2888,"position":4},"title":"And when you can’t crawl…","date":"11\/4\/2015","format":false,"excerpt":"And when you can't write, let others do it for you. I'm sitting here, compulsively checking facebook, waiting for any one person to give me any validation, ignoring the \"likes\" I hate and the posts that probably mean the most. I have fully committed to an avoidant personality. 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But almost everyone else knew her as Kat, an endearing and beautiful woman with a smile that could knock\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Best of the Buddha"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2888"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/38"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2888"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2888\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2889,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2888\/revisions\/2889"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2888"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2888"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2888"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}