I have renewed my focus on improving myself, despite the feeling that it is selfish. I’m only three days into this new outlook, to be objective, but I have worked out at a difficult level, meditated, journaled, and completed chores and other assigned tasks, even in the face of what I consider obstacles. I have even been able to fit in some video game time.<\/p>\n
Last night, I turned in another strong performance with the unrehearsed Shakespeare company of which I am a troupe member. I was outshone by a friend, but I held more pride in his performance than any real envy. I want to perform at that level. I want women to look at me in awe the way the dainty, stern-faced woman did at him at the end of the show. I want to have people tell me how blown away they were by my performance. But, this time it felt more like a personal goal than an unyielding vacuum within that needed validation. I want to achieve, and that is different than wanting accolades.<\/p>\n
Perhaps that is the confusion most people have when I say I want to be revered and that fame sometimes is the only metric for progress in that arena. Like pride, I think it comes in two forms, one positive and one negative. I want the positive and eschew the negative, in pride, in fame, and in life.<\/p>\n
My meditations are encouraging me to distance myself from my thoughts and feelings, as they are not my\u00c2\u00a0true identity. I am beginning to understand it, even if it can be difficult to extricate myself from the mire. And I’m using myself instead of oneself, because I am beginning to allow this journey to be mine, and not feel cold when I want things for myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have renewed my focus on improving myself, despite the feeling that it is selfish. I’m only three days into this new outlook, to be objective, but I have worked out at a difficult level, meditated, journaled, and completed chores and other assigned tasks, even in the face of what I consider obstacles. I have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":38,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p73iP8-Lk","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":29,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=29","url_meta":{"origin":2934,"position":0},"title":"Minutiaeman","date":"1\/22\/2004","format":false,"excerpt":"The drums felt more seamless at last night's show as compared to Tuesday. Considering I nearly vomited from the pressure at Tuesday's performance and barely broke a sweat on Wednesday, I can certainly point at my nerves for making the drums a little too loud and a little too fast\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":821,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=821","url_meta":{"origin":2934,"position":1},"title":"Koreans are good at many things.","date":"8\/26\/2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Add breakdancing and performance art to the list.","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3004,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=3004","url_meta":{"origin":2934,"position":2},"title":"Stage Combat","date":"11\/7\/2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Stage combat is perhaps the most all-encompassing tool that an actor can have. It teaches active listening, physical characterization, and the highest possible level of objectives, obstacles, and stakes; moreover, if one feels safe, one can collaborate to create more engaging and dynamic stories. With a firm grounding in stage\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":280,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=280","url_meta":{"origin":2934,"position":3},"title":"I Love You, You’re Perfect…Now Change","date":"3\/16\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Most-Honoured Girlfriend helped me celebrate the passing of years with a trip to Broadway Baby, a dinner theatre North of Milwaukee. My lack of interest in birthday-related celebrations notwithstanding, my belly had its fair share of laughs, after more than its fair share of prime rib. Dinner was tasty enough\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Too Little Too Late Reviews"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":769,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=769","url_meta":{"origin":2934,"position":4},"title":"I get all self-aggrandizing again.","date":"6\/24\/2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Tomorrow, I begin teaching a stage combat class for a bunch of strangers. Young strangers who will be semi-conscripted by their parents into something about which they have only vague notions. They will have been told about my credentials, perhaps, or to expect a fun summertime distraction which might give\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2611,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2611","url_meta":{"origin":2934,"position":5},"title":"On the use of Violence in the Theatre","date":"2\/2\/2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Theatrical violence incorporates the most important aspects of theatrical performance: objectives and commitment at the very highest stakes, physical communication and cooperation between actors, and a dual awareness at both the character and actor levels. 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