Caltrop:
\nTime to cut all my ties
\nTime to shed light on the lies
\nTime to leave this town behind<\/p>\n
Freedom; it’s not freedom
\nShouldn’t freedom feel more liberating?
\nPrinciples never make for happy days
\nand it it pride or is it justice
\nor just stupidity?<\/p>\n
Am I weak-willed or a tyrant?<\/p>\n
To not be stepped on, I have become a caltrop;
\nSmall and hard and sharp everywhere.
\nBut a caltrop can only keep company
\nwith other caltrops.
\nAnd they never have much to say, living all in self,
\nkeeping everyone else at bay.<\/p>\n
—<\/p>\n
Journal:
\nSo where do I begin? It’s difficult to start and even more so to know where to start. After all, when you can’t see the end of something, how can you tell when it really began?<\/p>\n
I suppose I’ll first expunge the contents of my mind at present. You see, much of my brain is occupied with tasks, vast lists of things still left to accomplish before I can relax. In reality, the list continues to grow in proportion to what is completed, so there is never really an acceptable time to relax.<\/p>\n
I am left feeling like every free moment spent on something enjoyable is stolen from my responsibilites, and while that can often increase the thrill, my adult mind continues to peek its head into my fun and remind me that there is still much to do.<\/p>\n
Occasionally, I gain perspective and realize the insignificance (bordering on futility) of my daily work. It is ethereal, working in marketing; sharply so when working on the web. And to have only the hobby of video games to relieve the mindless grind – a hobby which often itself is a mindless grind – only reminds me of my desire to create something of value, if not worth.<\/p>\n
There is, of course, the opposite state of things where I am bored to actually seeking out the grind, rather than forcing that boredom to run crashing through the barriers of my writer’s block. But I find myself inspired only during times of war; not literal bloodshed, but those lengths of life where the spirit is wearied from its constant struggle against banality and greed and mediocrity.<\/p>\n
I have no love for capitalism. A man’s work should reflect the man, not the general dreariness of the station at which he is trapped. I do not express myself for money, though I long for the time when I have no need of it and can concentrate on leaving my mark.<\/p>\n
I know there is some hubris in that statement. I am not contented with small feats. I want to affect the multitude and die famous, or soon-to-be-famous. Revered. Studied. Honored.<\/p>\n
It is no easy goal in this society. I haven’t the genetic favor that others have. While I am reasonably attractive, I am not likely to earn my place as an actor through my looks. Indeed, my baldness will likely pigeonhole me or worse, keep me from such work altogether.<\/p>\n
This saddens me, that I should be so discriminated against. Not the worst sort of prejudice, certainly, but still prejudice. Could Macbeth not be bald? Or Neo?<\/p>\n
* – I wrote these both under fairly extreme stress a few weeks ago.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Caltrop: Time to cut all my ties Time to shed light on the lies Time to leave this town behind Freedom; it’s not freedom Shouldn’t freedom feel more liberating? Principles never make for happy days and it it pride or is it justice or just stupidity? Am I weak-willed or a tyrant? To not be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":38,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s73iP8-caltrop","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":361,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=361","url_meta":{"origin":418,"position":0},"title":"Justice with a capital Ugh.","date":"7\/19\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"This post is VERY long. First I reprinted an email, ostensibly a transcript of the sentencing of the shoe-fire terrorist. Then I comment on it. 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I want\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":269,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=269","url_meta":{"origin":418,"position":2},"title":"Irrationally appealing","date":"3\/3\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"For those of you who played the first Freedom Force and loved the cartoony feel and the classic Silver Age characters, Irrational Games put forth its own money making another episode guaranteed to thrill and chill. Other draws of this game include improved multiplayer, the feeling of joy that your\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "For the geek in you"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2825,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2825","url_meta":{"origin":418,"position":3},"title":"Your Daily Digest: Mood doom","date":"1\/28\/2016","format":false,"excerpt":"From circumstance, I made a short appointment with the shrink yesterday and renewed my prescription for my SSRI. 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