Sorry, folks. I am just not up to blogging proper this week. For those of you who are internet voyeurs or simply friends who like to keep up on my shit by reading this, here is a short list of what is going on in my head:<\/p>\n
Play the part. Wait it out. Time will tell.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So, I lied. That last post led to this outpouring.<\/p>\n
I have been spending more time wth my friends, lately, and I am not certain who are my peers any longer. I enjoy their company. That is not what I mean. I have friends who are my equal or better in different aspects. That is not what I mean. But none of my close friends (except maybe Bjorn) are really on the same page with me where life goals are concerned. <\/p>\n
I get the feeling that they look at me as the charming but ineffectual slacker, the moody, immature dreamer who will never amount to much. I have been that in the past and I am paying for the sins of my youth now. But, I have become active in my pursuit and in my follow-through and my current plans are not frivolous or unrealistic. Nor are they lofty or impossible. <\/p>\n
By the same token, I sometimes see my friends and family as sad automatons, blindly locked into societal constraints that I question daily, worker ants playing by rules that are engineered to oppress the apathetic or ignorant. They seem to think that I do not understand the world as it is. I am not ignorant to realism, but neither will I be beaten down by that feeling that only the chosen are allowed to excel. I am not growing up and slowly coming to the realization that this is my lot in life. I am grown up and struggling to show that it is not. <\/p>\n
The people I love frown disapprovingly or smile patronizingly when I say I am going to work on set in Hollywood and New York. People do it. Why not me? <\/p>\n
I am not saying I will be Brad Pitt or William Hobbs (famous fight choreographer) in two weeks. I am saying that I am going to work my ass off and become a damn good stuntman and actor, now that I know that it is what I want to do. I am saying I will probably work in theater or teaching, but that I have it on good authority that I could work in Hollywood and New York with the talent I have always had and the determination and discipline I have learned to have. This is not a get-rich-and-famous quick scenario. It is a real goddamned career and it is the one I want. You would think I would have more than one person supporting me in this.<\/p>\n
That is somewhat unfair to my friends, as not all of them know I have chosen this path. But, I can predict their indifference. I am loathe to bring up my intentions lest with their indifference they stifle what self-esteem to which I cling. <\/p>\n
Then again, I am sure a lot of my friends are pissed that I do not celebrate weddings or births or house buying or promotions or whatever with them. Those non-events to me feel so transient. I celebrate my friends’ education milestones, or publications, or productions. But the other things — the prescribed life things — I do not understand. Perhaps I am over-rationalizing, but I see no difference between a committed couple and a married couple, between a homeowner and an apartment renter.<\/p>\n
Maybe I am cynical and jaded, or maybe I am closer to Buddhism than I thought. I do not know. I do know that I am not wired to live that life. Marriage, house, children, job — in my brain, their presence or absence make no difference; I have a job only so that I do not starve or freeze. If I am to have children, I may get married to facilitate custody and insurance and the like. Beyond those mundane details, I have no consideration for them whatsoever. And I find it hard to get excited about any of them.<\/p>\n
But I have real respect for my friends who have achieved knowledge or reknown through their accomplishments. I show support then. I have encouraged people along paths that they abandoned weeks after. Now that I finally know what I want to do with my life, they simply sigh (or will likely so so) through their smiles, wondering when I will give up. <\/p>\n
I have not in the past dedicated myself to anything, and this is no different to them. But it is different. Yet, even when I have succeeded in this, it will not have the status it deserves in their eyes. To them, that is all I was suited to do, having failed to graduate with a “real” degree or succeed in the corporate sector. I’m convinced (perhaps inaccurately) that even were I to achieve stardom, that I would still be considered a failure by many of my friends and family.<\/p>\n
It seems like unless I go through the relatively meaningless act of a wedding, I am not likely to hear much praise from my friends or family. And I wish I understood.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sorry, folks. I am just not up to blogging proper this week. For those of you who are internet voyeurs or simply friends who like to keep up on my shit by reading this, here is a short list of what is going on in my head: I feel cursed when it comes to finances, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":38,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s73iP8-mired","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":493,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=493","url_meta":{"origin":516,"position":0},"title":"Reunited. But not really.","date":"2\/8\/2006","format":false,"excerpt":"It's been 10 years (nearly 11, actually) since I was a high school student. In March, I am meant to attend my ten-year high school reunion. I even helped make a website to that effect. But to what end these reunions? The good things about high school I have mostly\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":528,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=528","url_meta":{"origin":516,"position":1},"title":"Lessons on how to feel a right bastard.","date":"3\/21\/2006","format":false,"excerpt":"I did it. For the 29th year in a row, I managed not to die. A new record! (For me.) In truth, it wasn't as maudlin as all that, but those who know me know of my abhorrence for events. My growing older is not something to be celebrated so\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":258,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=258","url_meta":{"origin":516,"position":2},"title":"So far, no good.","date":"2\/24\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"New style is forthcoming, but I wanted the new version to be running. Of course, now the spammers are back in. Update 1: Installed latest version of WP-blacklist. Waiting 1 hour to check spam count. Update 2: In 30 minutes, I had 4 spam comments. Unacceptable. Renaming comment-related pages to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":288,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=288","url_meta":{"origin":516,"position":3},"title":"The Leptard was sleeping, so I stole this.*","date":"3\/28\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"* - he stole it, too. Relax. High School for Steelbuddha What year was it? 1992-1995 What were your three favorite bands (performers)? Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, Red Hot Chili Peppers What was your favorite outfit? I had an off-white T-shirt that I wore with some cargo shorts in\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Self-service"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":106,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=106","url_meta":{"origin":516,"position":4},"title":"Simple name.","date":"4\/16\/2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Everyone I know could probably use a little time with this card game, but Czelticgirl most of all. Be sure to check out the \"art.\"","rel":"","context":"In "For the geek in you"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":20,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=20","url_meta":{"origin":516,"position":5},"title":"New Hotness","date":"10\/23\/2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Check it. My new MT install went swimmingly. All tendencies toward the anal on backend organization are now satisfied. Deal with this, yo. Also, comments will be back in as I can add them. The reinstall did not allow for comment export\/import.","rel":"","context":"In "For the geek in you"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/516"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/38"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=516"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/516\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=516"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=516"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=516"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}