3:30 a.m. Not that I would know that.<\/p>\n
The doorbell rings and I am awake in milliseconds. Before my mind can process anger or ambivalence, the house is shuddering as some somnambulent juggernaut launches an assault on my front door.<\/p>\n
I have no friends foolish enough (nor in college enough) to wake me up after bar time in such a fashion and expect a response. Something is clearly rotten in the state of Denmark. I pull on my robe as the walls reverberate with sound. This beast is growing impatient.<\/p>\n
Knowing my mere hands will be insufficient to thwart its savage aims, I reach for a weapon. Devotees will recall that I do not have the standard sporting equipment to which most men would cleave in this practice. Over the baseball bat, the hockey stick or the humble broom, I choose my girlfriend’s broadsword.<\/p>\n
Thus armed, I descend the stair and cautiously peer through the windows in the top of my front door. In response to the intruder, the porch light glows but reveals nothing. “A prank, perhaps?” my curmudgeonly brain asserts and alerts the righteous ire portions of the brain to begin preparations for a vocal tirade which would change the colors of the painted walls.<\/p>\n
I open the door to discover a Lilliputian. Her pixie-cut dark hair and large, penitent eyes belie her military bearing and armament. Against the back of my leg, I feel my grip relax on the sword hilt.<\/p>\n
“Yes, officer?” My voice is remarkably articulate in the night air.<\/p>\n
“I have some bad news,” she squeaks. I blink at her through the glass of the screen door for a moment. Clare has commented more than once that I seemingly transform into a maniac of supervillain proportions while I sleep. In her absence, has that Tyler Durden been unleashed? The heavily armed fairy continues:<\/p>\n
“Well, I suppose the good news is that your car was the least damaged.”<\/p>\n
When it becomes clear that her subtlety is deflected by the Kevlar of my delirious and sleepy stupor she attempts a different tact.<\/p>\n
“There was an accident. A car struck several parked cars on this street. You should probably come have a look.”<\/p>\n
“Certainly. Let me just put this away and get my shoes.”<\/p>\n
For the first time, the uniformed leprechaun notices that I, too, am armed. She needlessly encourages me to leave the weapon behind, and then leads me to the scene of the accident.<\/p>\n
Other neighbors stand nearby the twisted remnants of what was once their cars. They nod solemnly at me as I pass. As we approach my car, I see the driver’s side turn signal had been extinguished for good by a side swipe, like a dead eye under a scar on the face of a general. My now Cyclopean car stares forward stoically while I inspect its undercarriage for further damage.<\/p>\n
My Vietnamese neighbor explains how her dog had awakened her in a frenzy of barks after the cataclysmic sound of rending metal had terrified it. I put on a limply sympathetic face, as my cheek muscles refuse to adhere to the social aspect of the scene, and return the flashlight she had handed me.<\/p>\n
I sway like an oak in a heavy wind as the officer hands me an accident report slip and explains my rights. The driver was uninsured \u00e2\u20ac\u201d civil suit \u00e2\u20ac\u201d call for information \u00e2\u20ac\u201d report further damage \u00e2\u20ac\u201d owner drunk \u00e2\u20ac\u201d car possibly stolen. It becomes a grocery list in my mind, hastily scribbled on notebook paper. When her eyes probe my face for recognition, I mumble and nod assent.<\/p>\n
Possibly my groggy state and her continued attention strangely heightens the moment, but I think she is flirting with me. Impressed with my torn robe, monosyllabic grunts and inappropriate wielding of ancient weaponry, no doubt. I yawningly complain of work in the morning and meander back into my house, where my subconscious creates fictional stresses to distract me from sleeping.<\/p>\n
8a.m. I know because I am late for work.<\/p>\n
I stumble to my car and see a pile of parts swept up to the curb in front of my wheel. Still standing watch, my car glances at me with its good eye, before resigning itself to a hard day in the sun. A different neighbor watches as I shuffle some of the debris away from my driving lane.<\/p>\n
She introduces herself and reiterates all the important information. With my thanks and goodbyes she retreats into her house and watches me start up the engine. Then, two war buddies, aged and injured, my car and I plod our way to work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
3:30 a.m. Not that I would know that. The doorbell rings and I am awake in milliseconds. Before my mind can process anger or ambivalence, the house is shuddering as some somnambulent juggernaut launches an assault on my front door. I have no friends foolish enough (nor in college enough) to wake me up after […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":38,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p73iP8-cz","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":126,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=126","url_meta":{"origin":779,"position":0},"title":"Saving throw vs. ridicule…failed!","date":"5\/5\/2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Despite my complete ignorance of their deadlines, Gamegrene was kind enough to post my second article. I've learned some things since then, and probably would have written more had I not wanted to meet that deadline, but there it is nonetheless. Yeah, I'm a big nerd, but I'm not alone.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "For the geek in you"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":108,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=108","url_meta":{"origin":779,"position":1},"title":"Oh how the mighty have fallen.","date":"4\/16\/2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Before I sign off today, thought I'd leave you with one last thing. Got this important missive right as I closed my Mail program. The subject: ERIC CLAPTON ON SALE THIS MONDAY AT 10 AM! Poor Eric. The government should be craking down on this illegal internet trade. Hasn't he\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Found Art"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":111,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=111","url_meta":{"origin":779,"position":2},"title":"When in drought, post links.","date":"4\/20\/2004","format":false,"excerpt":"This smokescreen of funny will keep you reading long enough for me to be bitter again, I promise. The reel truth, from Wannabe Giant, who never posts anymore. Too cool to blog, B-rock? Does Chipotle frighten you? You are not alone. Go to the 16th of April and listen around.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Link Larceny"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":53,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=53","url_meta":{"origin":779,"position":3},"title":"Where would we be without Czelticgirl?","date":"2\/19\/2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Brilliance comes in many forms. With the virulent nature of the internet, we are lucky enough in this era to have access to it in large amounts. If we can be said to have short attention spans, then we can counter with pride that our brains are so inundated with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Link Larceny"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2874,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=2874","url_meta":{"origin":779,"position":4},"title":"Relate","date":"5\/3\/2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I'm in the middle of casting, that blessed curse of getting to paint with a palette of people. I'm glad to have a lot of talent in the group, but the size of the pool makes it almost impossible to cast. Too many friends, too many promises made by others\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Ennui"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":393,"url":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/?p=393","url_meta":{"origin":779,"position":5},"title":"Not nearly frightened enough… I know what hunts you.","date":"9\/7\/2005","format":false,"excerpt":"BB can find some links, lemme tell ya. Suicide Grasshoppers Brainwashed by Parasite Worms. Flee!","rel":"","context":"In "For the geek in you"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/779"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/38"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=779"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/779\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":815,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/779\/revisions\/815"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=779"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=779"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.steelbuddha.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=779"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}