I’ve been semi-depressed since the election, for obvious reasons. A showing of Shaun of the Dead* and getting into the final stress test for World of Warcraft have both helped, but what helped most were these words from Mitch Hedberg:

“Every McDonald’s ad ends the same way: ‘Prices and participation may vary.’ I want to open a McDonald’s and not participate in *shit.* I want to be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. It’d be like, ‘Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti…and blankets.'”

For a moment there, I was thinking since my brain is a warehouse of tiny comic bits like that (I’ve been called Xerox on occasion), that maybe I should turn this blog into a pile of those things and get them out of my head. I’m waffling on it now. How much different would it be than a music blog? Not much, sez I.

* – FYI, Shaun of the Dead is hilarious, but it is an actual zombie movie, with gore and dramatic deaths.

Need a good curse for Samhain? Raven St. Crowley provides. Also: rockin’ dirge.

“You’re a gentleman,” they used to say to him. “You shouldn’t have gone murdering people with a hatchet; that’s no occupation for a gentleman.”

Can anyone who has seen Dr. Zhivago explain to me if Netflix is trying to make fun of me? I have not seen it, nor am I familiar with Russian history or culture, but i would think the word “manquake” would have somehow reached my ears as an adolescent.

As a hardened webbie, I can be difficult to impress, but some people still have amazing ideas about what this medium can do. Jed Wards is to the web what … some explorer who found cool shit … is to … some cool shit.

Also impressive are these crazy French superhero guys.

Fair warning to those with slow connections: I will hunt you down and perform mad Clockwork Orange experiments on you until you step out of the Dark Ages and accept broadband as your lord and master. Stop slowing the progress of humanity, you excrement.

Despite the subject line of this spam which questions the ability of a certain adolescent to ingest the ejaculate of a group of unknown men, the content intrigued me:

“In this article, we will explore the basics every minute of every day. Learn how the AIDS virus attacks the body.as some of the flaws).t’s a great pick-me-up in the morning and a”

And a WHAT? I do list among the flaws of the AIDS virus (at least from the human perspective) that it attacks the body, but if it is a great pick-me-up in the morning (arguably a fallacy), then what else is it? I cannot properly evaluate this statement without the missing piece! NO!

It’s been one of those kind of days.

Ladies, I am aware of your pain. I know that since MHG has closed my heart in her lovely clutches, you have all despaired wondering where you can turn.

The answer is here, fret not. They can help you.

Czeltic Girl and I sometimes play a game called Gold Box Smackdown. We click through our Amazon gold box and see who gets the most ludicrous item suggested to them. This has resulted in much hilarity.

The downside to this game is that in order to send the links to one another, we must actually click on the item to view the page. This skews our Amazon recommendations (tortured analogy ahead) the way seeing a rhino can skew the path of your African savannah tour.

Today, Amazon thinks I am a sexually frustrated college freshman. Female.

Gold Box items (clicked on to send to Czeltic Girl):
WaterPik NVFL-621VV Flexible Shower Massage
Comments: Yeah, if I was a girl. Look at that thing; it looks like a dildo crossed with a Giger alien.

Sex and the City – The Complete First Season (DVD)
Comments: Yeah, if I was a girl with a retarded libido.

Weight Watchers WW10 Compact Precision Electronic Scale
Comments: Yeah, if I was a girl with a retarded libido and a poor self-image.

So, what does Amazon recommend for this girl? Maybe you can guess.

Strangely, until around the year 2000 I was a huge Tori Amos fan. This had the unpleasant effect of attracting lovely females to me who thought I was too sensitive to want my penis touched. Luckily for me, her albums since marriage and childbirth have been repetitive and lackluster. Also, I grew a pair. Still, I guess Amazon’s tracking works, eh?

The Weekly World News is a repository for good advice.

Also, they produce satire. Sorry if you didn’t know that WWN is fake; hell, they don’t even try that hard sometimes. Not sorry that I’m spoiling it, just sorry that you did not know.

Some high school glamour photographers just get uppity. Airbrushing out pimples is not art, no matter how hard you try.

Thankfully, I only had the headshot from the yearbook to pass out, though the predominance of my long hair, or indeed the presence of ANY hair, has confused many an observer.

Some faves for the link-lazy: Most likely to be “ready for some football”, Most likely to marry Ted Danson, Most likely to fill a ringer with her whites.

Thanks to MEGA-Chad for the link.