Last night, MHG and I were up late (she worked until 3a.m., God bless her) working on her online store. As we searched Da Web for images, we came across a Magic: the Gathering card with a little picture of Isaac from the Love Boat on it. This prompted me to intone The Love Boat theme song repeatedly in my brain as I stumblingly made our bacon and eggs.

In some yet unjustified leap of subject matter, my brain then skipped to singing “I’m burnin’, I’m burnin’, I’m burnin’ for you.” I haven’t any idea which artist created the song, nor what the song is actually called, but there it was like Big Bird crossing the street against the lights, unexpected and unavoidable.

As though to make it up to me, my brain tried to turn it into a joke. To this end it made the giant leap of changing the lyric to “I’m Vernon, I’m Vernon, etc.” Apart from the brief vision of Charo shaking and singing the song in her trilling soprano, this was not the comedy goldmine that my dreaming self seemed to think it was. So, I tried to apply my vast intellect to the problem.

The best I came up with was to write a punk song called “I’m your Vernon Jordan.” A love song, you see, with a bridge section that is a cover of the aforementioned shitty song. Better than my first idea of an internet meme flash movie of Uncle Vernon from the Harry Potter movies doing a little 4 frame dance with a dislocated-looking jaw.

I’m your Vernon Jordan by punk band Killdumpster
(with apologies,since I have almost no real knowledge of the problem surrounding him)

You’re in the spotlight
Arkansas’ hot nights
You need someone to get you outta the fire

Got a dispute over land
Baby just take my hand
‘Cause I’m your well-respected, perjury-lovin’ liar!

Let me be your Vernon Jordan!
Let me tell the truth accordin’ to what’s best for you!
Let me be your Vernon Jordan!

I’m Vernon, I’m Vernon, I’m Vernon for you!

—

Something like that. I never said it would be good.